baphijmm: (Default)
( Feb. 22nd, 2006 02:01 pm)
I'm starting to worry about this job. I feel kind of bad, since Stirling only seems to be able to point out my flaws and reasons I shouldn't be on the project (or even in New Mexico, for that matter). I mean, I'm sure he's trying to help (actually, there's a really neat story to go along with that about how the nut on a propane tank appliance is like a neutrino), but it's really disheartening, especially when I know he's right. I don't know what I need to know. In fact, the only time I felt useful while he was there was doing janitorial work, like sweeping up the site or laying down oil-absorbant when the piping ruptured. I don't want to be a janitor for the rest of my life, nor do I want to be a grunt, but it seems like those are the only jobs I'm even suited enough to go into. :/

No short fiction returned today. No assignments given in regards to the creative non-fiction. Today's been just really depressing, all in all.

And, because it's just such a cool idea (Stolen from its originator, [ profile] kanlyven):

Reply to this with any songs that remind you of me, no matter when, not matter what, then post this in your journal and find out what songs you remind others of. If your lucky you'll end up with a soundtrack long enough to listen to for hours, just to remind you of all your friends.
baphijmm: (Default)
( Nov. 29th, 2005 06:57 pm)
I am at an impasse.

On the one hand, I think majoring in astrophysics would be fun, and I would enjoy doing research and writing in that field. I would like to get to know those in that field, and study alongside them.

On the other hand, I don't want to major in astrophysics. Majoring in astrophysics is a waste of time, because I know enough of the material to be happy, and could really get a job in the field if I were just given a chance. I'm not even sure I want a job in that field anyway.

On the other other hand, we live in a society where you need a degree (or an insane amount of luck) to have income enough to live. Problem is, you also need the money up front to get said degree anymore. Oh sure, financial aid looks nice enough, but all it does is make it look tantalizingly close, then rip it out from under you like a dollar bill on a string in those old cartoons.

I want to change society. I want to start a complete and total revolution. I want to reduce this planet to nothingness, to show everyone that nothing is worth it.

At the same time, all I want to do is live.

I'm tired of this. I've probably shut down again. Yeah, I hate that, but hey, I'm fucked anyway.

I don't know what to do anymore.
baphijmm: (Default)
( Oct. 7th, 2005 01:30 am)
So they didn't have a closing cook tonight, so Jen recruited me. She gave me a nice two-hour break at 5:30, during which I came back to the apartment and took a much-needed rest. I haven't run around like that for a long time. My legs hurt like nobody's business. :/

Tomorrow, I volunteered to work 6 PM to 9, though knowing Josh and Friday nights, I'm likely to be out sooner. Next week, Jen has me closing Tuesday and Wednesday.

No word yet from Dr. Colgate.
baphijmm: (Default)
( Oct. 3rd, 2005 09:14 pm)
Went down to Pizza Hut this evening. They reportedly desperately need cooks. Jen (the RGM) told me to return tomorrow at around 3 PM to fill out paperwork and whatnot.

What about the other jobs, you ask? I'm lazy as fuck and haven't written a cover letter yet. Yeah, I know. This really shouldn't be too surprising.

Some explanation on the spiritual post earlier; on this journal so as not to clutter friends' pages, cut to keep it from those who wish not to read it )

EDIT: I finally got up off my duff and wrote a semi-decent cover letter. It shall be sent out tomorrow morning, after I confirm that the job posting is still up. :/
baphijmm: (Default)
( Sep. 6th, 2005 04:40 pm)
God dammit.

I started approaching the depression phase again earlier. I thought nothing of it, at first, but it escalated; usually, it'll wane, so there had to have been something bugging me. I decided to make myself a bowl of clam chowder, as this usually cheers me up. ("Dude, you eat when you get depressed to make yourself feel better and you're not a blimp? You must have frigging AWESOME metabolism!" STFUkthxbai)

As I was making it, the room frequenters entered the room; one of my roommates was doing CS homework, and somehow transistors came up. I mentioned I've never fully understood what a transistor's purpose was.

Back a few days ago when we went to see Transporter 2, the topic of capacitors came up, and the fact that I never understood why in Hell anyone would use them. This resulted in a half-hour discussion trying to show me exactly what it was a capacitor does, after which I ended up with only a meager understanding of the subject. There's a reason I'm not an EE major.

Anyway, this discussion on transistors gets under way, as I'm trying to finish my clam chowder and just hurry up so I can eat it in peace. The end result was exactly the same as with the capacitor discussion -- just as confused as ever, but with a slightly better understanding.

Finish making my soup, retreat to my room and close the door, highly unstable. Begin talking to some dragon friends via IRC when I notice someone has replied to a comment I left in their journal that regarded trying to help me out. They weren't being malicious at all, trust me (normally, I'd probably just take it in good humor), but basically finding out that I'm... I can't even say right now. Everything that I'm inferring from it would make it look like I think lowly of this person, and I really don't.

Anyway, I think I've figured out just what it is that's been bugging me.

Everyone else is better at everything I pride myself on. I'm a laughingstock.

I haven't had this kind of depression since second grade. That's because I shut myself up from everything at that age, hoping I'd never be hurt like that again.

And that's all I am anymore -- a fucking child.

Since I'm getting everything else off my chest, I might as well drop the bombshell that I'm sure you all already "figured out" because anyone who claims they're asexual must be in denial, right?

I'm gay.

No, not so much so that I find the human male body attractive at all, but the attraction is there, whereas it's not there at all with women. I would never be able to bring myself to have sex with anyone else still, but nonetheless, I prefer the company of men.

There. I said it. Weight off my shoulders, but didn't help my depression like I was hoping it would.

God dammit. It's times like these that make me want to just give up.


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