baphijmm: (Default)
( Nov. 29th, 2005 06:57 pm)
I am at an impasse.

On the one hand, I think majoring in astrophysics would be fun, and I would enjoy doing research and writing in that field. I would like to get to know those in that field, and study alongside them.

On the other hand, I don't want to major in astrophysics. Majoring in astrophysics is a waste of time, because I know enough of the material to be happy, and could really get a job in the field if I were just given a chance. I'm not even sure I want a job in that field anyway.

On the other other hand, we live in a society where you need a degree (or an insane amount of luck) to have income enough to live. Problem is, you also need the money up front to get said degree anymore. Oh sure, financial aid looks nice enough, but all it does is make it look tantalizingly close, then rip it out from under you like a dollar bill on a string in those old cartoons.

I want to change society. I want to start a complete and total revolution. I want to reduce this planet to nothingness, to show everyone that nothing is worth it.

At the same time, all I want to do is live.

I'm tired of this. I've probably shut down again. Yeah, I hate that, but hey, I'm fucked anyway.

I don't know what to do anymore.
baphijmm: (Default)
( Sep. 6th, 2005 04:40 pm)
God dammit.

I started approaching the depression phase again earlier. I thought nothing of it, at first, but it escalated; usually, it'll wane, so there had to have been something bugging me. I decided to make myself a bowl of clam chowder, as this usually cheers me up. ("Dude, you eat when you get depressed to make yourself feel better and you're not a blimp? You must have frigging AWESOME metabolism!" STFUkthxbai)

As I was making it, the room frequenters entered the room; one of my roommates was doing CS homework, and somehow transistors came up. I mentioned I've never fully understood what a transistor's purpose was.

Back a few days ago when we went to see Transporter 2, the topic of capacitors came up, and the fact that I never understood why in Hell anyone would use them. This resulted in a half-hour discussion trying to show me exactly what it was a capacitor does, after which I ended up with only a meager understanding of the subject. There's a reason I'm not an EE major.

Anyway, this discussion on transistors gets under way, as I'm trying to finish my clam chowder and just hurry up so I can eat it in peace. The end result was exactly the same as with the capacitor discussion -- just as confused as ever, but with a slightly better understanding.

Finish making my soup, retreat to my room and close the door, highly unstable. Begin talking to some dragon friends via IRC when I notice someone has replied to a comment I left in their journal that regarded trying to help me out. They weren't being malicious at all, trust me (normally, I'd probably just take it in good humor), but basically finding out that I'm... I can't even say right now. Everything that I'm inferring from it would make it look like I think lowly of this person, and I really don't.

Anyway, I think I've figured out just what it is that's been bugging me.

Everyone else is better at everything I pride myself on. I'm a laughingstock.

I haven't had this kind of depression since second grade. That's because I shut myself up from everything at that age, hoping I'd never be hurt like that again.

And that's all I am anymore -- a fucking child.

Since I'm getting everything else off my chest, I might as well drop the bombshell that I'm sure you all already "figured out" because anyone who claims they're asexual must be in denial, right?

I'm gay.

No, not so much so that I find the human male body attractive at all, but the attraction is there, whereas it's not there at all with women. I would never be able to bring myself to have sex with anyone else still, but nonetheless, I prefer the company of men.

There. I said it. Weight off my shoulders, but didn't help my depression like I was hoping it would.

God dammit. It's times like these that make me want to just give up.


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